Lots of parents worry about potty training

A lot of parents feel social pressure over potty training. They see a friend's child, who's a similar age, already using the potty. Or they see someone post “Woo hoo! My kid is potty trained” on Facebook.

It makes them wonder if they are doing something wrong. It can be a real source of pride, doubt and worry.

I get potty training questions from parents with kids as young as 12 to 15 months. In reality, only 2% of children are potty trained at age 2. Most kids under age 2 are not ready. Here’s why.

Kids need to have the right circuitry to be ready. You can encourage it, but you can’t make it go faster. What parents see as signs of readiness for potty training is most often normal curiosity.

Wanting to sit on the potty chair or be in the bathroom with mom and dad is normal copying. It doesn’t mean the child knows what’s happening.

False signs of readiness

The nerve sensations that control when we need to poop or pee work from the outside in. When parents ask me if they should potty train their 18- or 20-month-old toddler, I ask a few questions.

Does your child tell you when they are wet or poopy? Are they grabbing their diaper or letting you know they are uncomfortable?

If they are, that doesn’t mean they know what's going on inside their body before stuff comes out. It just means they're starting to pay attention to what's happening on the outside. It’s the first sign that they’re starting to get ready for potty training.

Motor skills have to be there, too. Kids need to be able to pull their pants up and down with little assistance to really be ready for potty training.
 

When are kids really ready?

Most kids are ready for potty training when they are between ages 2 and 3. Still, many won’t be ready until after age 3. By 3½, 99% of kids are potty trained.

At 2½, most kids know their body is doing something, but they don’t really understand what it means.

Most recognize the poop sensation first. A lot of kids go into another room and want you to leave. They don’t want you to be there while they poop.

When this happens, it might seem like a good idea to ask them to sit on the potty chair, but it’s really not. All they know is that something is going on with their body. They might be worried about it and don’t want you to take away their control.

It’s best to not make a big deal about it. Say something like, “Hey, you’re going poop.” This can help them realize that their body is doing what it's supposed to do. You’re showing them that you’re not upset about it, so they don’t need to be, either.

Remember who’s really in control

For toddlers, potty training is all about control and power. You have to let them think it’s their idea.

So if your child wants to disappear into the dining room to poop, go along with it. When they poop in their diaper, just make diaper changes a very neutral event. “OK, you’re poopy, let’s change you.”

Don’t make diaper changes happy, giggly events. Don’t fuss or tell them, “Well, if you were potty trained we wouldn’t be doing this.” There’s no reason to offer good or bad attention during a diaper change.

Have a little potty chair for kids. Don’t bring it out to the family room. Keep it in the bathroom so they know it’s not just a chair to sit on. Let them sit on it when you’re in the bathroom.

If your child shows interest in sitting on the potty chair to poop while wearing diapers or disposable training pants (such as Pull-Ups), offer praise. “Hey, that’s such a big boy. That’s great.” Offer positive support but don’t make a huge deal about it.

Daycare

Parents often tell me their child uses the potty chair at school or daycare, but refuses to use it at home. That’s totally normal. All the kids at daycare use the potty chair during a set time, so it’s fun because everybody else is doing it.

When they are at home and mom says, “Hey, let’s go sit on the potty chair,” it’s not as fun. You’re interrupting their coloring or something else they want to do. Again, it’s a matter of toddler control.

Diapers vs. disposable training pants

When is the right time to switch from diapers to training pants? The only advantage of training pants is that it's easy for kids to pull them up and down. This helps them feel independent.

Training pants are also made to help kids notice when they're wet. This differs from diapers, which are good at pulling moisture away from the skin to prevent irritation.

If your child is telling you they're wet or poopy, it’s probably time to switch to training pants. If not, stick with diapers and save your money.

Won’t poop on potty chair

Another common issue is when kids will pee, but not poop, while on the potty chair. I first ask if the child is constipated, meaning they can't poop or it hurts to poop.

If the child has hard and painful bowel movements, they will link pain with pooping. This often means they won't sit on the potty chair to poop.

If they’re not constipated, then they are still getting used to the new and weird feeling of pooping.

Rewards

Positive rewards can be good if they aren’t over the top. Don’t throw a confetti parade. Sticker rewards and that kind of thing can be fine. I think it really depends on your child's personality.

Some kids are encouraged and respond well to rewards. Others may think, “Well, I wanted a sticker yesterday but I don’t feel like one today.” They really don’t care.

I discourage any kind of food reward such as candy or other sweets. This can cause another problem.

Don’t worry

Remember, there are some kids who, even as late as age 3, don't yet feel the urge to pee or poop. That’s still very normal and nothing is wrong. It’s just the way the child’s bowel or bladder connects to their brain.

Once they start having the urge, they will be able to control when they pee and poop. And when you let them think that using the potty chair is their idea, they can get potty trained very quickly.

Try not to worry. Kids will make the natural transition from diapers to using the potty chair. Don’t compare your child’s progress with others. And don’t put pressure on yourself or your child. It will happen.

Have questions about your toddler?

Erin Wallace, MD, is with USMD Mansfield Pediatric Clinic. She has been helping parents and her young patients for more than a decade. She considers it a privilege to help them find their way from birth through young adulthood.

To make an appointment, call 1-817-557-5437.

The information provided is for general informational purposes only and is not intended to be medical advice or a substitute for professional health care. You should consult an appropriate health care professional for your specific needs.